Poison Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a king who was memorizing a script to tell everyone in the land that everyone got free chocolate. But really it was filled with poison to kill them all. A guard walked by and said in a whisper, "Remember it is filled with poison, but do not say it is filled with poison. Understand?" The King responded, "Yes, I do."
The king was deaf in one ear so he often times missed what people say.
He walked up to the microphone. He said, "I know you all love delicous chocolate. So I've decided to give you all special gift. Who want's to know?" Everyone hollered out "I do!" So the king hollered, "Okay then! Free Poisonous Chocolate for all!"

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time. Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim. Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms. Jim: How terrible! And your second? Joe: She ate poison mushrooms. Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck. Jim: I see, an accident. Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.
Bulls are color blind.
A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose.
Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.
The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2,200 people.
Emus can't walk backwards.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of bears is called a sleuth.
Twelve or more cows is called a flink.
A baby oyster is called a spat.
Some fleas have split penises like a Y shape
An elephant can be pregnant for up to 2 years
Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down.
The average garden-variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
A mule won't sink in quicksand but a donkey will.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
Animal breeders in Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with more...

Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the
chopper was going in on the emergency locator beacon which more...

Idiot #1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed more...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks more...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"The New Yorker looks at the chief and more...