Police Jokes / Recent Jokes

Only a Kentuckian could think of this...
From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Lexington, KY.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off it was a fine, dry summer night -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, more...

The school my brother's kids go to has the thought police. The kids can't even use euphemisms because if you say "shoot" you're thinking "shit." Of course this is also the emotional police, because now you're really not allowed to have exclamations at all.

Story goes that my then eight year old nephew was playing with some blocks or something and they fell over. He says, "Darn!"

Teacher says, "Don't say' darn'."

Nephew asks, "Can I say' shoot'?"

"No."

"Can I say' heck'?"

"No, you know you can't."

My nephew then paused for a moment and said, "Well, god damn it, what the hell can I say?"

My brother apparently had a really hard time keeping a straight face in the principal's office when he had to come collect the boy...

Auburn Police
23400 block, 102nd Place Southeast - A woman reported that someone stole mail from her condo and, when she was gone, entered the place to tie her shoelaces together, tilt pictures on the walls and take snaps from her clothing. There had been no forced entries. No arrests were made. (May 30)
Renton Police
3000 block, Southeast Royal Hills Drive - A 5-year-old boy threatened a 6-year-old boy with a steak knife, saying he would kill the other boy unless he agreed to come out and play. Officers arrived and took the knife, and no charges were filed due to the ages of the boys. (May 26)
Maple Valley Precinct
67200 Maple Valley-Black Diamond Highway - A Maple Valley man told police somebody broke into his house, carried a few items outside onto the lawn and set them on fire. (June 1)
Green River Community College - Campus security detained two young men prowling cars in the parking lot. One youth, estimated to be about 16, fled, but an 18-year-old was more...

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?""Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in
anyway!"

A blonde, brunette, and a red head were driving in a car and ran a stop sign. A police officer seen them and immediately started chasing them. The girls ran from the police and when they got a long wayz away from the police they saw 3 potato sacks on the side of the road. They all got out and each got in a potato sack. When the cops came and they seen the empty car and the three potato sacks, they went over and kicked each one. The first one they kicked was the brunette and she said ruff ruff. The cops thought it was a bag of puppies and went to the next bag. This was the red head and when they kicked this one she said meow. They thought it was just a bag of kittens and went to the next bag. This was the blonde and when they kicked the bag she said potato!!!