Politician Jokes / Recent Jokes

I don’t vote. There, I said it. I don’t know the issues. I don’t really understand the definition of Republican or Democrat. I do know that if I look up the word "oxymoron" I’ll see “honest politician.”
I don’t ever get to affect my life by voting. Where’s the vote on lower rent? Where’s the vote on the subway fare decrease? Can we get a politician to give us an audit to the penny as to where all of the money goes from subway fares? How does that money not pay for everything? When do I get to vote on checking the green cards of taxi drivers? Is there a vote on parade and street fair elimination? Is anyone working on more stringent laws against homeless people sleeping or begging or (god forbid) singing on the subway? Can we vote to give Isaiah Thomas and the Knicks the death penalty?
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An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony. But, being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her antecedents and finding out if she had any previous affairs with men.
After a few days, the politician, at last, received his detective's report which went like this: "Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear; her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to the grapevine, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."
"What catch?" he asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've more...

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived more...

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer? A. Chelsea

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles. “OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when more...

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the
politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the
dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied.
"You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on
the side!"