Practice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced
within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who
choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to
practice a religion at all; plus, A fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally
accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of the other cultures whose contributions have
helped make our society great, without regards to the race, creed, color,
religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
(disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes
for him/herself or others and no more...

It's all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory.

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, more...

If your father is a poor man,
It is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

***********
I was born intelligent - Education ruined me.

***********
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
So why practice?

***********
If it's true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?

***********
Since light travels faster than sound,
People appear bright until you hear them speak.

***********
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

***********
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

***********
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
***********
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

***********
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is more...

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE #1

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE #2

Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the more...

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuses. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH (Other than your own):
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided you share of the work is ahead enough to keep the more...

To: All Employees
From: Personnel Department
RE: ABSENTEEISM
It has been brought to the attention of the Board that the attendance record of our company is a disgrace. It has now become necessary to revise some of our policies. The following changes take place immediately.
SICKNESS: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to get to the doctor you are able to come to work.
DEATH: (Other than your own.) This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for the deceased, and we are sure that someone with a lesser number of obligations can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held late in the afternoon we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that you work is sufficiently ahead so that you won't inconvenience other employees by your absence.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE (For an operation.) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought that you might more...