Prayer Jokes / Recent Jokes

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from,' Give us this day our daily bread' to' Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from' Give us this day our daily bread' to' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help more...

A Chinese guy bought a new car, and drove it to a temple to have it blessed. The Taoist priest chanted a mantra, stuck a paper talisman on the windscreen and sprinkled some scented water over the car. An Indian guy bought a new car, sent it to his temple - the priest chanted a prayer and sprinkled ash over the bonnet. An Eurasian bought a new car and took it to his church - the Father said a prayer, sprinkled some holy water over the car and stuck a St. Christopher medallion on the dashboard. A Malay guy bought a new car, took it to his regular mosque and the Imam chanted some prayers. Then, the Imam took a hacksaw, went to the back of the car and sawed of a part of the exhaust tailpipe.

A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache.
2000 B. C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A. D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A. D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A. D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A. D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A. D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it!

For those of you who may need it...A Prayer for the Stressed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!

For those of you who may need it...A Prayer for the Stressed! Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday23% on Tuesday40% on Wednesday20% on Thursday5% on FridaysAnd help me to remember...When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the more...