Prayers Jokes / Recent Jokes

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.
"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.
"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagog on Rosh Hashonah?"
Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?"
"No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying.
Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at more...

My apologies to David Ortiz, ‘Big Papi’, of the Boston Red Sox. He was admitted to Massachusetts General, Tuesday, for testing of an irregular heartbeat. I want to apologize because, first, I never thought God would answer my prayers, and second, I didn’t expect God to take me so literally.
When I knelt down in front of the TV and said, “Please God, give David Ortiz a heart attack. Give him deep, stabbing chest pains so he never hits another homerun against the Yankees ever again.”, I was just kidding. I would have settled for a pulled hammy or even a persistent migraine. I never thought he’d actually give him a heart attack.
But, apparently I’m on God’s A-list. I prayed for a five game sweep, boom, let the manna fall, Yankees sweep. I prayed for a parking spot in Manhattan, as soon as I said, a lady pulled out right in front of the club. I prayed for the light to turn green, and it was as if heaven opened up a blessed with green lights from 35th to 60th. I’m more...

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.
So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.
The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"
"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!" said the abbot.
So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee more...

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the
two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one
began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY
FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother
replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye. His
father sees
it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight
with the
other boys?"

"But Dad," said Johnny, "It wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying
our
prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in
the
crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit
me!"

"Johnny", the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women!
Just
leave it alone!"

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black
and
blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk about this!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church
saying
our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her more...

A minister was walking in front of his church when he heard his five-year old son and playmates' round back.

He walked back there and noticed the boys had found a dead bird. Feeling a proper burial was in order, they had secured a small box and some cotton batting, then dug a whole, and were now standing around the "grave."

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, of course. With sonorous dignity the little boy intoned HIS version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory to be unto the Faaaaather, and unto the Sonnnn. . . and into the hole he goes!"

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.
The new product is to be named "Microsoft God," and will be available to consumers sometime in late 1998.
"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from more...