Pregnancy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Afterbirth--when the hard part begins.

Cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

Elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

First Trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

Miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant Pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal--when your life was still your own.

Pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby more...

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception.
The first brunette says "I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top."
The second brunette says "I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom."
The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out "Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy".

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception.The first brunette says "I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top."The second brunette says "I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom."The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out "Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy".

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception. The first brunette says "I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top." The second brunette says "I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom." The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out "Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy".

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dork?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might more...

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're doing with them.Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. Cause you're fatter then they are.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question, dork? Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain more...