Pregnancy Jokes / Recent Jokes
Your Clothes -1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. -2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. -3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. The Baby's Name -1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. -2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. -3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. Preparing for the Birth -1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. -2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. -3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette -1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. -2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard more...
The most common pregnancy craving is for men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? A. Then the jig is up. Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? A. Your therapist. Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this more...
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!
He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out more...
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dork?
Q. Will I love my dog less more...
Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We
believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are
employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and
should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as
you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you
less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be
FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go
to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart.
IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave
without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two
weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone more...
An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she is two months late. Very worried, the mother rushes off to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know now!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a red Ferrari stops in front of their house and a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and he explains: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank more...