Pregnant Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q. What`s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman`s husband knows what`s good for him.
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat.? I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.? If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?"? You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl,? Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says,? No, but I know what you've been doing..."Sent by Max
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,' 'Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?'' The mother says,' 'It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings.'' The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says,' 'Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess.''
The mother says,' 'Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?'' Darla says,' 'No mother! I've never even kissed a man!'' The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,' 'Is there something wrong out there doctor?''
The doctor replies,' 'No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!''
A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.
One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end more...
Two redneck wives were drinking tea and the one noticed that the other was pregnant.
"We don't have to worry about that!" said one, pointing to her friend's tummy. "For years now we are using the' Bucket and saucer' method of contraception."
"And what may that be?" asked the pregnant one.
"You see, my husband is quite short. So we do it standing up and he stands on a bucket to reach. So I watch him, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!"
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age more...
The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor wasteaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, itwouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with yourpartner!"The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand." Yes," replied the teacher." Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Sent by Katie-Anne