Pretty Jokes / Recent Jokes
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...The questions are:1.What are you thinking about? 2.Do you love me? 3.Do I look fat? 4.Do you think she is prettier than me? 5.What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the more...
An unemployed actor is getting pretty desperate for work. He happens upon this guy from the zoo and he's looking for actors. The guy explains that they spent so much money on getting the habitat just right, they ran out of money to import the ape they wanted. They want to hire the actor to be that ape. Although the guy thinks this is pretty stupid, he takes the job anyway.
The first few days, the actor just sits there thinking he doesn't look real and that no one is stupid enough to fall for this stunt. He gets bored and decides to walk around and examine his little cage. With this, he notices that people are watching his every move. He decides to give them a show. After a couple weeks, he's swinging on the poles and dancing around making a lot of gorilla noises and is drawing quite a crowd.
One day he's showing off for a group of kids. He is swinging around and around a pole when all of a sudden, his hand slips and he goes flying over the cage wall and right into the lion's more...
Letter from Daughter to Parents Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remissin writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not havingwritten before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and theconcussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when itcaught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only getthose sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendantat the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the firedepartment and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and sinceI had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enoughto invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's more...
A guy comes into a bar and sees two women coming out of the bathroom. One sits at one end and the other sits at the other end. One looks really good and the other one is average. He thinks to himself, "there is no way I can get with the really hot one, so I'll talk to the average one and maybe work my way up to the really hot one."
So he starts conversation with the one woman and they having a nice conversation. Then she asks him, "Do you like my friend over there?" pointing to the woman at the other end of the bar.
The guy says, "Well, uh, uh, yea, I guess I like her."
So she asks, "Do you think she's pretty?"
The guy says, "Well uh, yea, she's pretty."
She then asks, "Do you wanna smell her pussy?"
The guy tentatively responds, "Uh, Uh, well, sure, yea, yea."
The woman smiles and puts her mouth to his nose and breathes out, HUUUH!
"Hope you don't mind, I just took a leak in your tank"
"You do know there's a guy hiding in your back seat, don't you?"
"Sometimes I have the strangest feeling I'm about to burst into flames"
"Regular, premium, or ranch flavor?"
"You know, if a guy breathes enough fumes, someone like you starts to look pretty good"
"The soda machine was on the fritz today - I had to drink a quart of Quaker State with my lunch"
"Does this uniform make me look pretty?"
"This is my car! You stole my car!"
"I'll check under your hood if you check under my belt"
"Want to make out in the back seat?"
©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.
Hillary feels pretty badly - she may be the First Lady, but she won't
be the last.
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't more...