Priest Jokes / Recent Jokes

At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.
She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'
Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed.
She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your...I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."
The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.
A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying more...

A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears.
"Good Day Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing."
The woman says, "Oh just fine Father, come on in and we'll have some tea."
While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?", the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like".
After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting says to Mrs Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh dear, I've eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them next time I visit."
To which Mrs Smith replied, "Oh don't bother, Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back." He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs." The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish." The confessor replies, "Yes Father, they were." The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women. The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions." The priest responded, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?" The man replied, "No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!"The priest says, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?" Exasperated the man said, "No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!"The more...

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go more...

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents.
After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds.
As she walked into the house, her father said, "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."
The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years, but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called, but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me more...

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a headcovering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrivedwithout her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied toher head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you toenter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs."Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."