Priest Jokes / Recent Jokes

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t... what happened next??"

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p ig!

Knowing that Bill was in the hospital near death, the family called the priest to be with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Bill's condition started to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for a piece of paper to write on. The priest handed him pen and paper and using his last bit of energy, Bill scribbled his message and died.
Thinking it best not to read the note at that time, the priest tucked it into his jacket pocket.
As he was finishing the service at Bill's funeral, the priest realized he was wearng the same jacket as when Bill died. He said, "Bill handed me this note just before he died. I haven't looked at it but knowing Bill, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."
With that, he opened the note and read "Get off my oxygen tube!"

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of' em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
"Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

Next morning at the funeral, the more...

There was a very rich old Irish man who had a little dog. It meant the
world to him. When the dog died he went to the priest. "Father Murphy, my
little dog is dead. I'd sure appreciate it if ye'd say a public mass fer
'im."
"Sorry, Patrick," said the priest, "we don't say mass fer dogs 'n
the like. But you go on down there to the Protestant church. With their
progressive thinking, who knows what they'll do!"
Well, Father, I wouldn't
want to offend them. Do ya think a donation of a-hundred-thousand pounds
would be fitting fer such a service?" Patrick asked.
"Now, Patrick, why
didn't ye tell me that there little dog was Catholic in the first place?!"

A drunk lay slumped outside a bar, in serious need of a drink.
A passing priest and bishop started to lecture him on the evils of alcohol.
"You should be more like God, like me," said one.
The other argued, "No, my son, more like me. I am more like God."
The two holy men then argued over which was more like God.
Finally, the drunk interrupted. "I'm more like God than either of you arguing hypocrites, and if you give me ten bucks, I'll prove it!"
They accepted his challenge and each handed him five dollars. As the drunk stood, he said, "You two go sit in the bar and when I enter you'll have your proof." The bishop entered first and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, Bishop, what'll you have?" Then the priest entered and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, Father, what'll you have?"
Finally, the drunk came in waving his ten dollars.
The bartender shrugged, "Oh, God, not you again!"

(Heard this one from a minister at a pre-wedding party:)
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut
off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.