Prime Jokes / Recent Jokes

Excerpted from "Quotes, damned quotes and..." by John Bibby.
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
entirely different. (Goethe)
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9
times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News, 1979)
"Give us a copper Guv," said the beggar to the Treasury
statistician when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I
haven't eaten for three days." "Ah," said the statistician, "And
how does that compare with the same period last year?" (Russell
Lewis)
"I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call
for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a more...

PRESS RELEASE:

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

George Brown, when he was England's Foreign Minister, was being entertained in Paris by his ambassador, Sir Patrick Reilly. The chief guests were the prime minister of France and his wife. During the course of this very formal dinner, Mr Brown turned to the French prime minister's wife and complimented her on her looks by describing her as' most beddable.'
The hostess was scandalised.' Really, Mr. Brown!' she reprimanded her husband's boss.' That is hardly the thing to say to the wife of the Prime Minister!'
Brown ignored her and continued to address the chief guest's wife.' Surely, Madam, other people have paid you similar compliments.'
The French lady retorted in the typically charming French way,' Oui, monsieur, but never before coffee.'

A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk. What's that for?, he asked." Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Pope. The visitor said, "Wow, how much is a call?" The Pope answered, "$2, 000 per minute." A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk." What's that for?", he asked. "Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Prime Minister. The visitor asked "How much is a call?" The Prime Minister said "20 cents per minute." The astonsished visitor said, "It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2, 000 per minute." The Prime Minister answered, "That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call."

CNN reports that many people fear racial profiling and believe it is insensitive, after a group of radical Muslims were caught plotting to blow up buildings in Canada and behead the prime minister.

Now, I'm no Miss Manners... but I think it's a tad more insensitive to seek out a guy and chop off his head than to stop a fella at the airport and say, "Whatcha got in the bag?"

Let's see: Blood spurting out of a head vs. peeking into a knapsack. Hmmm...

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you" replied the Prime Minster. (Yes, he does speak like that)
"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 Condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem" replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Cretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.
"I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send dem to more...

Two diplomats are riding in a limousine in Moscow, an Indian and a Russian, discussing state business. The Russian says to the Indian, "Rohit, I like you, but my superiors say the deal can't go through. They don't want to be associated with your country. They tell me it's filthy and the citizens just shit on the streets." "That is not true!" exclaims the Indian, "We are very fastidious... in fact, you're not one to talk, isn't that someone shitting on your fine sidewalk?" he points out the window where there is indeed a squatted figure defecating on the sidewalk. The Russian diplomat is enraged. "Stop the car!" he yells at the driver, Pavel. "Pavel, go execute that shitting man." Pavel nods at his boss, stops the the car and takes out a gun. After a minute, he shakes his head and returns to his boss. "Sir, I cannot execute him." "Why the hell not?" yells the Russian. "Sir, he's the Indian Prime Minister."