Prison Jokes / Recent Jokes
California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word
problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:
The City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name: _______________________________
Gang: ___________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13
times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he
has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to
Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he
doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks
will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more more...
What was the parrot doing in prison? It was a jail-bird!
"The food in there's bad, but it's not that bad," a wise-cracking jailer from another neighboring city reportedly told our Daily Comedy investigative comedian team.
"Hardy har hee hee hee hee hee," came some vociferous laughter from this unfeeling, mean-spirited county sheriff's department official.
"This inmate has some mental issues he's trying to deal with. Needless to say, this prisoner's television watching rights will be adversely affected by this extreme action," came a more politically correct comment by another man wearing a police uniform.
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."
1. Demonstrate the skills needed to decorate a wedding cake and how to conceal weapons.
2. Be forced to make her cell mattress with sheets from her K-Mart collection.
3. Embroider her monogram on her lively orange jumpsuit.
4. Teach prison workers the fine art of nouvelle cuisine.
5. Create whimsical centerpieces out of cigarette butts and playing cards.
6. Soften the entrance of the prison with decorative wreaths made of barbed wire and chicken bones.
7. Paint a charming window scene in her prison cell.
8. Weave sun hats for daily outings to the highway for trash pickup detail.
9. Decoupage license plates.
10. Be tortured in solitary confinement with her own television show played 24 hours a day.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".