Prisoner Jokes / Recent Jokes
A wife wrote a letter to her husband in prison:
"I would like to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When would be the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, aware that the prison guards read all mail, wrote a letter back:
"Dear Wife, Do NOT touch the back garden, whatever you do. That is where I have all the gold hidden."
A week later, the prisoner received another letter from his wife:
"You are not going to believe this. Some men came to the house with shovels and dug up the entire back yard."
The prisoner then wrote his wife again:
"Dear, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong, honey, I love you, more...
Frederick II, the eighteenth-century King of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.
Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.
'You,' he called. 'You there.'
The prisoner looked up. 'Yes, Your Majesty?'
'Why are you here?'
'Armed robbery, Your Majesty.'
'And are you guilty?'
'Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment.'
At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, 'Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid more...
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place' the
prison' and call my private thing' the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a more...
A new prisoner walking into prison for the first time was heading towards his cell, when someone called out' '15''. and quite a few men started laughing. The new prisoner thought to himself they aren't too smart I am older than 15, walking out on further someone called out' '24'' and place just went wild with all the guys laughing so hard.
So the prisoner walks on thinking these guys really don't know how old I am....when someone yelled out' '35'' and the place just went ballistic. Finally the prisoner made it too his cell and asked his new roomie what the calling of numbers meant.
''Well'' said the roomie' 'we have all been here so long, and have heard the same jokes so many times that we have just numbered the jokes.''
''Hmm mind if I give it a try?'' said the newbie.
Newbie steps up to the bars and yells' '27'' and it is quiet. newbie looks around and yells' '31'' and again quiet and finally he yells' '46'' and again quiet. newbie steps more...
Judge: Tell me your occupation. Prisoner; I'm a locksmith, Your Honour. Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you? Prisoner; Making a bolt for the door!
"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said,' I want to listen to it on my record-player!' "