Prisoner Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said,' So, what did you bring?' The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the' Grandma Moses of Jail'. Then he asked the first,' What did you bring?' The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,' I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.' The third convict, who was a Vol fan, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked,' Why are you so smug? What did you bring?' The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said' I brought these.' The other two were puzzled and asked -' What can you do with those?' He grinned and pointed to the box and said -' Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....'

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
Christmas.
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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
___________________________________________
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He *is* Santa Claus
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.

The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells.

He said to the inmate, "I'm sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"

The prisoner thought a moment and he said, "I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die."

They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. "I'm sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"

The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, "Could you PLEASE kill me first?"

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. .. it's how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I more...