Process Jokes / Recent Jokes

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a caf

AAC Alter All CommandsAAD Alter All DataAAO Add And OverflowAAR Alter At RandomAB Add BackwardsABC AlphaBetize CodeABR Add Beyond RangeACC Advance CPU ClockACDC Allow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP Allow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT Advance Clock to Quitting TimeADB Another Dumb BugAEE Absolve Engineering ErrorsAFF Add Fudge FactorAFHB Align Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP Abnormalize Floating PointAFR Abort Funny RoutineAFVC Add Finagle's Variable ConstantAGB Add GarBageAGWA Add and Get Wrong AnswerAI Add ImproperAIB Attack Innocent BystanderAIB Attack Innocent BystandersAISG Access and Improve Student GradeAMM Add Mayo and MustardAMM Answer My MailAMS Add Memory to SystemANC ANnoy ConsultantAOI Annoy Operator ImmediateAR Advance RudelyAR Alter RealityARN Add and Reset to Non-zeroARN Add and Reset to NonzeroARZ Add and Reset to ZeroAS Add SidewaysASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSIAT Accumulate TriviaAWP Argue With ProgrammerAWTT Assemble With Tinker ToysBA Branch more...

LYRICS:
Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order to make one line. Repeat randomly four times. Repeat process again twice to make chorus. Repeat last line 17 times. Don't worry if they don't make sense.
Column 1Column 2Column 3
Move itTriple BeatThe City Streets
Get UpBody HeatYou'll be Humpin
Pump It UpFeel the BeatBefore the Night is Over
Get DownGet AroundShake your Meat
Shake itThe Joint Is JumpinBustin Loose
Pump the JamFeet are StompinDisco Heat
BACKBEAT:
Program a drum machine in neverending 4/4 time. Add occasional snare.
BODY:
Add monotonous bass in one key. Overlay with punchy sounding synth. Get previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range of the vocal chords.
PRODUCTION:
Put above ingredients together on master tape. Press discs. Give the label a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like "Mixmastermeatbeaters". Sell 5 million copies to more...

There is this group of 7 Sardars who plan to go to Delhi to thank the President Dr. Zail Singh for his revolutionary policies, from which they have greatly benefited. Moreover, they are his old friends, and are longing to dine with the president. They agree that it would be appropriate to use a taxi. So they go to a taxi driver and ask him how much a ride would cost. The driver frets a little and tells them, "Sahab! If only four of you were to be there I would charge you just the meter rate, but then since seven of you would be there, you have to give me Rs. 10/-more."
The Sardars agree and decide to take the taxi. The taxi driver takes them to Rashtrapati Bhavan. The meter shows Rs. 18/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me Rs. 28/-."
Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i. e. 7. This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the more...

Process-Oriented God If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines. Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day. And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good. And evening and morning were the second day. And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although more...

Nearly everything has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. We still see the original words when we read those first 10 Amendments to the Constitution, yet the meaning is vastly different now.

And no wonder. We`ve gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation`s desire to band together was replaced by revulsion of togetherness. We exchanged a birthright of justice for a magic bullet, and replaced the Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer Stereo.

We`re not the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should reflect this. As we approach the 21st Century, it`s time to bring the wording up to date showing what we are and who we are.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible more...

Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do more...