Process Jokes / Recent Jokes

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit1 slice whole wheat toast8 oz. skim milkLunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast1 cup steamed spinach1 cup herb tea1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon Snack:The rest of Oreos in the package2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner:2 loaves garlic bread4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza3 Snickers barsLate Evening News:Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for This DietIf you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.Movie-related foods do not have additional calories more...

When accused of overreaching in prosecuting the Iraq war, the Bush Administration often points to Abraham Lincoln's jailing of thousands of Confederate sympathizers with no due process during the Civil War. Good point--I'm willing to let Bush have the power to lock up thousands of Confederate sympathizers with no due process.

SEX(1) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(1)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ]... [ username ]...
DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B
bestiality with
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d
get a date with the features described in
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access more...

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a King summoned two of
his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two
slots in the top, a control knob and a lever.
"What do you think it is," he asked.
One advisor, an Engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
The King then asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The Engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller. I would write a
simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to
one of sixteen shades of darkness: from snow white to coal black. The
program would use that darkness level as the index to a sixteen-element
table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements
and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the
end of the timer delay it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast.
Come back next week, and I'll more...

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes (played on purpose...?).
AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle
BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.
CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't
CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"
CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes
CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs
CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa
CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong or...
CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster
CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.
DUCTIA: A lot of mallards
EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn
ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec
GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums
HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett
INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major Interval: A more...