Profession Jokes / Recent Jokes

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. H. L. Mencken Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. George Clooney Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. Dave Letterman Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. P. J. ORourke Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. Robert Louis Stevenson Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. Ronald Reagan

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

A young lawyer, in the process of opening a new private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.
Upon seeing a man enter the lobby of his office, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "Eight hundred thousand dollars? You're kidding me. You're going to have to do better than that. Our bottom line for settlement is a million. Don't waste my time with anything less."
Slamming down the phone, he then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a large law firm are walking through a city park, when they spotted an antique oil lamp.
The paralegal picked it up, but both the associate and partner grabbed for it, arguing that they found it first. Their tussling had the effect of rubbing the lamp, and to their shock a Genie emerged in a great cloud of smoke.
The Genie announced, "In gratitude of your freeing me from the lamp, I grant you three wishes. As there are three of you, you each get one wish."
The paralegal blurts out, "I want to be in the Barbados, sipping cocktails with a gorgeous movie star." Poof! The paralegal was gone.
The associate, excited by the events, stammers, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! The associate was gone.
"You're last," the Genie says to the partner, "What is your wish?"
The partner more...

Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater more...

The morning after a firm's senior partner passed away unexpectedly, the law firm receptionist answered the phone.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the caller.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the caller again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."