Program Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Letter from a S/W Professional to his girl friend:
Sweetheart, I've seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I've been lonely, this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just uncompiled program without you which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results.
/* which I never experienced before */. With this letter, I just want to convey you that, if we are linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for human being to live a error free life. Also don't bother about the more...

> A great new software announcement!!!!
>
> This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We
> are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data
> that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the
> "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
>
> Next Monday at 9: 00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
> to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
> month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
> look
> at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I
> have
> not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a
> time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS
> expands.
>
> Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
> on
> it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office more...

New Rules
New Rules
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority more...

Currently, the language is broadcast in many forms, the most notable being Big Tex, a large Texan who broadcasts soley at the Texas State Fair in October each year. His grass roots efforts over the last 40 years have led to a full program being considered by The Texas School System and Ross Perot.
Here is a sample of the curriculum for the beginning language study program:
ahz: the thi aig: which come first, the chi arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkl bawl: what water does bidness: comme bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw co-cola: any form/bran clin cri dawfins: name of the pro footba daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the dayum: an expletive; in other states, a f doc: a condition caused by an ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day sin far: git: goff: a game played with clubs and a li hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! hoss: a more...

The Cash-for-Clunkers program has been extended assuring people if they lose their homes, at least they'll still have a car to live in.

Solitaire ‘99
Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft’s latest software product.
Microsoft Solitaire ‘98
README file, v4. 3
Welcome!
Congratulations!
Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire ‘98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as “long filenames! ”
For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*
Solitaire ‘98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.

System Requirements:
- 266 MHz Pentium II or better
- 800 megabytes of free hard drive more...

We will never run out of things to program as long as there is a single program around.