Psychiatrist Jokes / Recent Jokes

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself.""Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy.""How?" asked Joe."Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?""I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

An extremely homely person made an appointment to see a psychiatrist.
The patient entered the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm terribly depressed and very lonely. I haven't any friends and no one will even come near me. All people do is look at me and laugh. Do you think you can help me to accept my ugliness?"
"Of course. I'm sure I can," replied the psychiatrist.
"Just go right over there and lie face down on the couch!"

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him,' Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "Its gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.""I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.""For Gods sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I wont feel guilty and depressed afterward."

After years with a psychiatrist, a man who thought he was a dog was declared cured. A friend asked him how he felt now. The former patient replied, "Fine! Just feel my nose."

Patient: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Mickey Mouse. And other times, I think I'm Donald Duck."Psychiatrist: "How long have you been having these Disney spells?"

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."