Psychologist Jokes / Recent Jokes

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes more...

A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but Ive never seen so many Freudians slips."

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

Psychiatrists do it on the couch.
Psychiatrists think they do it.
Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars per session.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
"How long have you been having this phantasy?"
"Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.