Psychologist Jokes / Recent Jokes

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

What`s the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him. "For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California." The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I`m sorry, but I can`t do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they`d have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That`s too much to ask." "OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I`m a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!" The genie more...

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.