Psychologist Jokes / Recent Jokes
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
A psychotic thinks that two and two are five. A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I cant make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
How many Phychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb must REALLY want to change.
Farmer smith was not satisfied with the yield of his milk cows, so he decided to called in an animal psychologist, an engineer and a physicist to try and improve matters. All three inspected the farm and the cows and made there recommendations.
The animal psychologist went first, "If you paint the milking shed green the cows will be happier and happy cows will give more milk."
Then came the turn of the engineer. "If you narrow the milking stalls by 10 centimetres you will be able to add an extra stall and thus be able to milk an extra cow in the same time."
Farmer Smith was very happy so far, now it came to the turn of the physicist. He got out a black board and started drawing an elaberate diagram. Then he started to talk:
"First, consider the Cow as a sphere, radius r."
You probably have to have studied physics to get the joke!