Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes

In Nanjing, China they just opened a bar where customers are allowed to smash glasses and punch and scream at each other.
In America we've had them for over a century. We call them: any Irish pub.

two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.(hairs)

Santa, a furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After more...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, more...

Two Kiwi guys are working at the top of a high rise building site in New Zealand. Anyway, Phul (Phil) turns to Muck (Mick) & says "I've gotta take a puss, but there's nowhere to go."
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Muck. "I'll stand on this end and balance you."
"Are You sure Muck?"
"Yeah, no worries mate"
"100%?"
"YES!"
So out goes Phul to take a piss, but before he's finished, the lunch siren sounds. Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phul, of course, is a goner.
Several months later, an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a pub discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.
Greg the Aussie says, "Mate, I've been known to miss out on a piss-up session down the pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!"
Pierre the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We more...

Maori falla walks into crowded pub and see's pommy guy he had a beer with one year ago. Pub goes dead quiet, maori falla walks up to the bar grabs two handles of beer and heads in the poms direction. You could hear a pin drop, hands one handle to the pom, downs his in one gulp and goes get another returns to where the pom is downs his handle in one gulp slams it down on the table and sez to the pom.
Maori falla " your the bugger who ran off with my wife!!!! eh mate?"
Pommy fellow doesnt utter a word, or touch his beer
Maori falla really fuming now, " Mate you got till tonite to bring...to bring back my ..... pauses to get the words right .. to bring back my milking cow you also took? So enjoy your beer you deserve it!"

Maori falla sitting in the pub, guy walks in orders a pint.
Maori falla "Hey bro you a pom .. tell by your accent eh!?''
" Yes i am!" replies the pom, " and proud of it to bro?"
Maori falla "Oh! ok then where bouts you from then?''
Pom " From England?"
Maori falla "what part?
Pom "Surrey!"
Maori falla "what part?"
Pom "Surrey!"
Maori falla "Ehhhh!! you know???? the suburb man?"
Pom "Surrey!"
Maori falla "never mind bro your a Pom from England eh!! Cheers mate?"