Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes
A ham sandwich goes into a pub and says, "Barman I need a drink"; and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he
comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it."
She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts
his chin on her pussy.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries.
The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened."
After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!"
Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!" "Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts." "So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar. "What the hell went on in there?!" he demands." I told you," explained the drinker." No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman." That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."
Santa And Banta Went To A Pub. They Had Got Their Own Sandwitches, The Waiter Came Said Them "You Can't Eat Your Own Sandwitches".
So Santa And Banta Exchaged Their Sandwitches.
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!! ”
“What makes you say that? ” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again. ”
Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before." Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours. Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble' n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.