Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub. Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.? Fuck me? shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.? What the fuck are you doing that for?? says Smartie.? That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I seehim, so I? m hiding from him? says Polo.? You should stand up to him? says Smartie.? He? ll respect you moreif you do? Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.? Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I? ll knock the fucking shit out ofyou? says Polo.? Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink? says Humbug.? Told you so? says Smartie. The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when inwalks Humbug with his mate, Tune.? Fuck me? shouts Polo again diving under the table.? What the fuck are you doing that for again? says Smartie.? I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune? says Polo.? So what?? says Smartie.? He? s fucking menthol? says Polo. sent more...

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.' Great,' said Tom.' I love spaghetti.'' So do I,' said Dick.' And how's the toilet brush, Harry?'' Not so good,' Harry said,' I reckon I'll go back to paper...'

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there more...

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."
The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, Theres a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy. The Scot is not impressed and says, Thats nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five. At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says Thats nothing. In Dublin theres this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you. The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies No, but my sister told me about it.

Bill, James and David were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Bill won the first prize - a whole year`s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. James was the winner of the second prize - six month`s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And David won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, David asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Bill. "I love spaghetti." "So do I," said James. "And how`s the toilet brush, David?" "Not so good," David said, "I reckon I`ll go back to paper."

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed. Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra. As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom." more...