Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes
A bloke walks into a pub and says “Can I have a pie and chips please? ” The barman fetches the food, the guy sits down, eats the chips, puts the pie on his head and walks out. The barman is confused. The next day the same man returns to the pub and orders another pie and chips. The barman serves him his meal, he eats the chips, puts the pie on his head, and walks out. The barman only just resists the temptation to ask him what he’s doing. The following day, the same man returns to the pub and orders another pie and chips. The barman says “Sorry, we’re out of pies today, but you can have a pasty and chips if you want…. ” The man accepts the pasty and chips, sits down and eats the chips, and then puts the pasty in his head. He’s just about to walk out, when the barman collars him and asks “Oi, mate, why have you got that pasty on your head? ” The man replies “Well you haven’t got any pies….. ”
Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close. Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01: 55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on point" now. The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car. Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other more...
A dude walks into a pub with a horse and challenges anyone to
make his horse laugh for $50. Everyone at the pub has a go at
trying to make the horse laugh without any luck.
Then the dude claims to be able to make his horse laugh for
$100. Having got the go from the pub dwellers, he whispers
something into the horse's ear and the horse starts laughing,
much to the amazement of the people in the pub. The guy walks
away with his $100.
A week later the guys arrives at the same pub and claims to be
able to make the horse cry for $100. He then walks his horse to
the mens room and comes out in half a minute with the horse
crying. He then collects his $100 and walks out
On they way out the bartender approaches him
Bar Tender: How on earth did you manage to make that horse
laugh? ?
Guy: I told him my dick was bigger than his
Bar Tender: Okay then how did you make him cry? ?
Guy: Easy, I showed him my dick
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate. The barman says "Thatll be 80p [ATP]!"
Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit? It was an inn-grown hare!
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It’s bike is outside.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t be stupid, elephants can’t change light bulbs.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in more...
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up: "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose." "I'm sorry sir, I...""Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."