Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."
This is serious... a "WORK" virus is on the loose...
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT! The "work" virus has been circulating round our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and the brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, then to transmogrify the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words, "I've had enough of your shit... I'm off down the pub". The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed.
If you receive "work" in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order 3 pints. more...
An Irishman who'd had a bit too much to drink was driving home from the city one night. His car was weaving all over the road, and a cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slured the drunk.
"Looks like you've had quite a few this evening?"
"I did all right," the drunk said with a smile.
"Did you know," said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. ” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good? ” asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first! ”
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? A: Optimistic! Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? A: Free Parking. Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work? A: Sole use of the elevator. Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra! Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? A: It's bike is outside. Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? A: There is a dent in the cross-bar. Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window. Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen. Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs. Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Bloody great holes all more...
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it wont see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "Whats the matter with you? Why are you hiding? Youve got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You dont know him like I do. Hes a cyclepath."
Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before."Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours. Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble' n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.