Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men were waiting outside a pub for it to open so they could have drink when a policeman came upto them and asked why they were waiting there. The men told him they were waiting for it to open and he told them that the new owners couldn't open it till they had thought of name and suggested they thought of a name for it and when they had they came back and told the new owners.

So the three men went away to think of a name for the pub and came back the next day with their suggestions. The first said to the owner, what about the Queen's head? but the owner said, no, too grown up, and the second one suggested the Queen's arms? but the owner didn't like that one either, so the third one said, well what about the queen's legs? And the owner like it, so he decided to name his pub the Queen's legs.

The next day, the same three men were waiting outside the pub for it to open and the same policeman came up to them and again asked them why they were waiting and one more...

The zoo-keeper traversed the country looking for a suitable mate for his gorilla but couldn't find one. He hit upon a novel idea and went to his local pub and inquired from the landlord if he knew of a big man who would serviced a gorilla for a fee.
The landlord of the pub pointed out Murphy, the hefty Irish navvy, who would do anything for a fee.
The zoo-keeper and Murphy agreed to do the job if three conditions are adhered to:-
1) There will be no abortions
2) She will not hug him
3) All the siblings are brought up as Catholics

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, Im afraid hes goin to die." "Shure, an why would he be dyin?" asked the other. "Ah, hes gotten so thin. Youre thin enough, and Im thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please dont be like that, Im trained and I wont cause any trouble!" The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and its owner. After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left. When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said "Its ok hes gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK hes never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over. The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard more...

A Celtic fan is walking home from a match in his Celtic kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by blue and white. He's walked into a Rangers' bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Celtic fans a toll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you."
The Celtic fan replies,"What happens if I roll a six?"
"You get to roll again."

A man comes into the living room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

His wife replies, "You mean you're taking me with you for once?"

The man says, "No -- I'm turning the heat off."

Farmer O'Reilly and Farmer Murphy met in the pub.
"What did you give your Bull when it was ill with the colic?" asked O'Reilly.
"A good dose of Phenyl" said Murphy
A week later they met in the pub again.
"What did you say you gave your Bull with the colic?" said O'Reilly
"Phenyl" said Murphy
"Well, I gave phenyl to my Bull and it died!" said O'Reilly.
"So did mine" said Murphy.