Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says,' 'There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says,' 'That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says' 'That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies' 'No, but my sister told me about it.''

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again! ”
“What makes you say that? ” he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called - you left your wheelchair there more...

Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.

The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I. Q. s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.

The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, withaverage I. Q. s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how hightaxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.

The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I. Q. s that could barely be measured on any I. Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask more...

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The Marine said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second Marine. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the Marines reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The SgtMaj replied: "No, I dont Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you dont want to go to heaven?" The SgtMaj smiled, "Oh, when I die! Why... yes Father. Shit, I thought you were getting a working party together to go right now!"

Several men were drinking in a local pub, when one decided that he had enough and started for home. He swayed violently as he walked, even though he really hadn't had that much to drink. When one of the newer patrons asked why the man walked that way, he was told that the drinker had been a sailor for 30 years, and still walked as if he was on a ship's deck in heavy weather. The man thought this to be nonsense. He started to make violent pelvic thrusts against the bar as he told his friends, "I've been a lawyer for 35 years, and I don't have to do this when I walk!"

Two math professors are sitting in a pub.
"Isn't it disgusting", the first one complains, "how little the general public knows about mathematics?"
"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."
"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the washroom now."
He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the pretty, blonde waitress to come over.
"When my friend comes back, I'll wave you over to our table, and I'll ask you a question. I would like you to answer: x to the third over three. Can you do that?"
"Sure." The girl giggles and repeats several times: "x to the third over three, x to the third over three, x to the third over three..."
When the first professor comes back from the washroom, his colleague says: "I still think, more...