Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons. When more...

There was a country boy who comes down to town and stays too long in the pub, ending up pissed as a rat. On leaving he walks down the road and bumps in to a nun who was standing outside her church. The boy turns on the nun throwing her to the ground and flailing at her with both hands kicking and wrestling with her. The patrons of the pub hear the fight and come running outside and drag him off the Nun. As he is being taken away he yells out, "Shit! I thought you would be tougher than that, Batman!"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home. Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips. The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers. So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar." The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"

Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with abloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"First man, "Want to come camping?"

This man is walking his dog, he sees a pub on the corner and decides to go in for a drink. When he gets inside the owner comes up to him and tells him dogs aren't allowed. " But this is a seeing eye dog, I'm blind". So the owner sits him down and gets him a free drink.
As he's walking out he sees his friend walking his dog. He tells him of the free drink. His friend walks into the pub and the owner comes over and tells him dogs aren't allowed. He says " But this is a seeing eye dog, I'm blind". He says "but your dog is a chiuwawa."
He says" They gave me a chiuwawa!"

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.

The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,' 'So, you've been out drinking again!''' 'Why do you say that?'' he asks innocently.' 'The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.''