Pub Jokes / Recent Jokes

"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate. The barman says "That'll be 80p [ATP]!"

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and more...

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in

England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,".. yeah.

That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

A man walked into the local pub with a frog atop his head. The startled bartender asked, "Hey, where did you get that?"
The frog croaked, "Would you believe it started out as a wart on my ass?"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the
barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a
pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the
toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and
a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and
then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons more...

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again! ”
“What makes you say that? ”
he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again. more...