Pun Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tom Swifties are a kind of a pun where the way the speaker is described makes the quote into a pun...

"I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.

"Oops! There goes my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head.

"I can no longer hear anything," said Tom deftly.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

"This must be an aerobics class," Tom worked out.

"I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.

"Who would want to steal modern art?" asked Tom abstractedly.

"Now I can chop down that tree," said Tom with a heavy accent.

"Let's all play an A, a C sharp, and an E," cried Tom's band with one accord.

"I gave the donkey some vinegar," said Tom acidly.

"There's room for one more," Tom admitted.

"They are not answering - we'd better more...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop more...

Did you hear that Kraft is building a new plant in Israel?

Yeah, it's going to be called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

One of my students pulled this one on me years ago. It was so good that I couldn't discipline him.

Sometimes the students chose their own topics for writing. Sometimes they had a list from which I wanted them to choose. Whatever the case at the time, one student asked to write about his summer vacation. I told him that would be fine.

He wrote a lovely paper about going to the coast and getting a summer job on a fishing boat. He described how, without any skills, he was still able to obtain work as a' bait boy' on the boat. It was his job to make sure the bait was provided, cut up, if necessary, and even put on the hooks if the customers wanted him to do that. He did well, was given more responsibilities, and advanced quickly in the job. By the summer, he had done so well that he was made. . . ' master baiter.' (By Herhsy)

For those trying to figure out how to convert Standard to Metric, here are a few more conversions to consider:

*Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi.

*2,000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton.

*Speed of a tortoise breaking
the sound barrier:
Mach turtle.

*16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Sterling

*Half of a large intestine:
semicolon.

*1 million aches:
1 megahurtz.

*Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
a bananosecond.

*2 wharves:
1 paradox.

*2,000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds.

*Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

(bonus keywords for the serach engines: Mary Poppins, Disney)

The queen, the prince and the count of a small country, conspired to gain control of the throne by assinating the King. The count was sent into the Kings chamber one night and told to murder him while he was sleeping. The count, who was not very intelligent, slipped up and was caught red handed in his attempt.

The King knew very well that this man was incapable of pulling this assination off by himself so he demanded, "Tell me who is conspiring against me or I will have your head."

The count stayed silent. The King rounded up the executioner and took the count down to the chopping block.

The King said, "I'll give you one last chance. Tell me who was in the conspiracy and I will spare your life."

The count refused to speak. The King gave the signal to the excutioner and just as the axe was being raised the count said, "Wait, wait, I'll talk!"

But it was to late. The executioner droped his axe and the more...