Quarter Jokes / Recent Jokes
Yo Mama is so fat i put a quarter in her mouth and pushed her belly button and milk dudes fill out of her ass!
A man was walking down the street when he heard screams coming from an apartment window. A woman was calling for help - her little boy had swallowed a quarter! The man ran into the building and up the stairs to the apartment.
Grabbing the child by the ankles, he shook him up and down until the quarter fell out of his mouth and bounced on the floor.
"Thank goodness you were passing by!" cried the mother. "You must be from the ambulance squad."
"No, ma'am," he answered. "IRS."
Q: What do you call an anorexic with yeast infection?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we more...
There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: "I need a cigarette."
"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."
"That's okay," He quipps. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."
So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.
The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls more...
A man had a ticket for the theater, but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far back.
Turning to the usher, he said, "This is a mystery play and I have to watch a mystery close up. If you can find me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moved him to the third row and the man handed him a quarter.
The usher looked at the quarter, frowned at the man, then leaned over and whispered:
"The wife did it!"
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."