Quarter Jokes / Recent Jokes

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who alwayscomes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on forsome time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I alwayspay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says. The woman replies:' No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.

A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who alwayscomes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on forsome time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I alwayspay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.

George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Osama are on an airplane.
Washington takes a quarter, drops it out of the plane and says, "This is for my country."
Lincoln takes out a penny and drops it out of the plane and says, "This is for my country."
Osama takes a bomb and drops it out of the plane and says, "This is for my country."
They land and Washington sees a girl crying and he asks her why. She tells him that she was hit in the head with a quarter and then Washington apologizes.
Then Lincoln sees a boy crying and asks him why. He says that he was hit on the head with a penny and Lincoln apologizes.
Then Osama sees a boy cracking up and he asks him why. The boy replies, "Daddy farted and then the house blew up!"

An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.
He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. "Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out I'll write you a prescription."
The old man looked at the pills and said "Doc. Don't you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill."
"Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You don't want a quarter of a pill. That won't do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience you're going to need a full dose."
"Doc, you don't understand. I don't want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes."

There once were three men who were in an air balloon and the Japanese man said, "Lets throw whatever you have in your pockets out of the balloon."
The other two men agreed and the Chinese man goes and throws a penny off of the balloon and sees a girl on the ground crying, so he says, "Whats wrong little girl?"
The girl says, "A penny hit me in the head from the sky."
The Japenese man goes next, and he throws off a quarter and sees a little girl on the ground crying so he goes down and says, "Little girl, why are you crying?"
She says, "A quarter hit me in my head from the sky."
The mexican goes last and he throws off a bomb and sees a little boy laughing really hard. Curious, he goes down to the little boy and asks, "Little boy, why are you laughing?", and the lil boy says I farted and my house blew up.
THE END

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender.
"What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total more...