Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to minister... a married man with experience, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Cross talk
Rabbi Rabinovitz went in to beg his board of directors to buy a new synagogue chandelier. Arguing and pleading for over an hour, he eventually sat down believing he had failed. Suddenly, the president of the board said, "Why are we wasting time talking`? "First of all, a chandelier,. .. why, we haven’t got anyone who could even spell it. Second, we haven’t got anyone who could even play it. And lastly, what we really need in the shul is more light!"

Then there was the man whose bread fell and landed buttered side up. He ran straight away to his rabbi to report this deviance from one of the basic rules of the universe.
At first the rabbi would not believe him but finally became convinced that it had happened. However, he did not feel qualified to deal with the question and passed it along to one of the world's leading Talmudic scholars.
After months of waiting, the scholar finally came up with an answer: "The bread must have been buttered on the wrong side."

Surprise, surprise
Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he`s never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, "Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!"

Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school one day.' Well, momma, the rabbi told us how GoD sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.' When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.'

' Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?' his mother asked.

' Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!'

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and
the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The
rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to
do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old
man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped
the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition
was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction
of the
congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sit more...

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize
it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."

''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex?

Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No more...