Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member ofthe congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk toBernie.Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"Bernie: "The dog came here to pray.""Oh, come on." says the Rabbi."YES!" says Bernie.Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not aproper thing to do in temple."Bernie: "Its true!".."Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do.""OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up thebarrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on hishead) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! TheRabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the qualityof the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you more...

A RABBI AND A PRIEST GET TO A HOTEL AT THE SAME TIME.THERE IS ONLY ONE ROOM AVAILABLE SO THEY DECIDE TO SHARE THE ROOM .THE RABBI CHOOSES A BED, SAYS KRYIAT SHEMAH AND GOES TO SLEEP.THE PRIEST SAYS I SLEEP WITH JOHN AND MARY AND ALL THE SAINTS AND GOES TO SLEEP.IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT THE PRIEST FALLS OFF HIS BED.THE NEXT MORNING THE PRIEST ASKS THE RABBI HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT BED TO PICK? THE RABBI ANSWERS THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BED MY FRIEND, YOU JUST SLEEPING WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE.

A rabbi and a priest had been lifelong childhood friends. The priest was always trying to covert the rabbi throughout their entire friendship. One day the Rabbi was across the street from the priest and they were meeting up at the cross walk. When the rabbi crossed the street a car came racing by and knocked the rabbi to the ground. As the rabbi got up the priest saw the rabbi cross himself. The priest came racing to his friend's aid and stated "I knew it! When the time came you would convert!" The Rabbi had no idea what the priest was talking about. The priest said "when you got up from the ground you crossed yourself. I knew when the time came and you were close to death you would see my way and convert. The rabbi proclaimed, "I did not cross myself. I was checking I had everything important.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch!!!

A rabbi and a priest operated a synagogue and a church across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to purchase a car.
They bought the car, drove it home, and parked it on the street between them.
Several minutes later, the rabbi looked out and observed the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he rushed out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest explained.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. Reappearing a few moments later with a hacksaw, he promptly walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal",
said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!!! I should be the Messiah more...

An ultra Orthodox couple met their rabbi at their temple to consult their upcoming wedding. they had one problem that they needed to ask the rabbi about.
"Rabbi," said the man, "my fiance and I really want to dance together at our celebration, can we?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the rabbi "The men and women have to dance seperately to be modest and dignified!"
"Fine," says the woman. Then a huge question comes up on her mind. "Can we have sex?"
"Absolutely," says the rabbi, "reproduction is a mitzvah!"
"Even before marriage?" says the man.
"It's all a mitzvah."
"Woman on top?"
"A mitzvah."
"On the kitchen table?"
"It still doesn't change the fact that it's a mitzvah, so go right ahead."
"How about standing up?"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" yells the rabbi.
"Why?" both partners more...

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal",
said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!!! I should be the Messiah more...