Radio Jokes / Recent Jokes

P. Harris

Problem Probable Cause Remedy
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket
and turn socket on


Not turned on Turned off Turn on.

Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get
a real stereo.


Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.
sound


Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.


Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.


Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place
no aerial record on deck, place
stylus on record.


Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace
with `Hells Bells' by
ACDC set volume to ten,
place stylus on record.


Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and
or learn to say `eh?'


Don't more...

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb at the Rome Leonardo da Vinci Fiumicino Airport.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile?
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.

"Please slow more...

A magician seeking bookage at Radio City Music Hall asserted, "I've got a trick that will panic them."

"What is it?" asked the manager.

"I saw a woman in half," announced the magician proudly.

"You call that a new trick? Scoffed the manager. "Why they've been doing that around here for years."

"Oh yeah, "snapped the magician. "but LENGTHWISE?"

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE more...

A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened.
Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him "When I buy a $50, 000 car I expect the dang radio to work."
The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds.
Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. "Stupid rednecks!" he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown more...

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
- Dave Bassett, Sky Sports
"Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy."
- Jimmy Magee, RTE
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
- Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 live
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
- Ted Walsh ( Horse Racing Commentator)
"I would not say he ( David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
- Ron Atkinson
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
- Ron Atkinson
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
- Ron Atkinson
"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up."
- Ian Wright commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)
"I couldn't settle more...

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier, U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. The radio conversation was released by the
Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES more...