Radio Jokes / Recent Jokes

Top 12 things that Santa Claus will be disappointing children by leaving under the Christmas tree instead of a "Tickle Me Elmo" in 1996: Tickle My Elbow "Pull My Finger" Cabbage Patch Kid Tickle Me Enos New Kids on the Block singing action figures Championship croquet set, with lawn darts and horseshoes "Slick Willy" political scandal trading card set Talking Barney the Dinosaur doll (I love you, you love me, somebody rip out my battery!) "The Last Action Hero" GAF Viewmaster discs Goose Me Susie A real live pony. (If it's not there when you wake up, that's because your mother chased it off and killed it!) [Thank you Al Bundy] An 8-bit Nintendo system -or- an 8-track tape deck Socks, clothes, and other useless stuff [For international readers: Tickle Me Elmo is a cute stuffed toy that wiggles around when you tickle it, or so I've heard. Children want them for Christmas, but they are in very short supply at the North Pole. The stores are all sold more...

I just got my new blue Lexus RX330. I returned it to Sterling McCall the next day with the complaint that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. Steve Machann, who sold me the car, explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued....
and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,"Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved just in time to avoid them.
"ASSHOLES!" I yelled.....
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda, Barbra Streisand, and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on lead guitar, Ted Kennedy on rhythm guitar, Al Sharpton on more...

OMAHA, Nebraska - In police parlance he is known as a "jumper," someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping from some high place. This particular jumper was threatening to do the deed by leaping from an overpass into traffic.

While police tried to talk him down a hacker managed to break onto the police radio frequency, and broadcast the Van Halen song JUMP for three and a half minutes. As officers were negotiating all of the police radios suddenly blared, "... might as well jump... go ahead jump!"

Police say the man clutching an overpass fence couldn't have heard the broadcast, however police chief Don Carey was still not amused. In a display of acumen and discretion Carey called the broadcast "inappropriate." Police say someone who found a lost or stolen police radio might have transmitted the song. The jumper was eventually talked down safely.

1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:
Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of
energy expended in getting it out of Earth's gravity well, which is most
probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place.
The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government
surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting
a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really
care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly
marked "Hazardous Nuclear Waste?"
2. How to fund private space concerns:
This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress, and second
the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple
manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has
already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.
Now, since congressmen more...

Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they call someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions (that vary from couple to couple) and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married"? or what?, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please,
Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is more...

If Radio Shack made toasters...The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anythingabout it. You would be able to buy all the parts to buildyour own toaster.

MEAT -- Terry Bisson

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Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...

' They're made out of meat!'

'Meat?'

'Meat. They're made out of meat.'

'Meat?'

'There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat.'

'That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars.'

'They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines.'

'So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact.'

'They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.'

'That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient more...