Railroad Jokes / Recent Jokes

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher`s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn`t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn`t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn`t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed more...

Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. Iam tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. Ithink the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people2,000 years ago.Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter withreference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you aresomewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who areconfused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book ofDavid, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on hisass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do onyour train in the last two years.Your truly, A Commuter

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn`t Actually Surrender
A short story...
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
How do you know when you`re staying in a South Carolina hotel?
"When you call the front desk and say "I`ve gotta leak in my sink."
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead".
South Carolina: Just south of North Carolina
Dumb South Carolina Laws
It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.
Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks.
It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop more...

-What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
-They are both getting laid all over America

Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks. When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic. It is considered an offense to get a tattoo. Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal. Musical instruments may not be sold on Sunday. No work may be done on Sunday. An exception is that light bulbs may be sold. All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis Willard Day. Dance halls may not operate on Sundays. Merchandise may not be sold within a half mile of a church unless fruit is being sold. A railroad my not remove itself from a town of more than five hundred people. Railroad more...

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."