Rails Jokes

For those of you who have never traveled to the great West or Southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing. For some reason the bovines will not step on the guards, probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. I need to make that clear in order for everyone to appreciate the following TRUE story.

President GW Bush received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of Interior to fire half of the guards immediately. Before the Secretary could respond, and presumably straighten him out, Colorado's Congress-woman Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

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Editor's note: No, it didn't really happen...

CNN gets news that 100 blonds are killed in a
train accident at Marylebone station. Only one blond
left alive.
The correspondent goes to her and asks, "Miss, how did it happen?"
Blond: "Oh don't ask about it. All were right as long
as all were waiting on the platform for the train. Then came the announcement that 'The bakerloo line will arrive on platform number 2' so when everyone heard that the train is coming on the platform, everyone ran to the rails to save their lives, and the train arrived on the rails!!!"
Correspondent: "Thank god you thought well and didn't go to the rails"
Blond: "Oh no, I was on the rails for committing
suicide and after the announcement I came to the
platform!"

Imagine that each leader of the USSR (and now Russia) finds himself on a train in the middle of nowhere, when suddenly the tracks have come to an end. What instructions would he give to his entourage?
Lenin: Go infuse the peasants with revolutionary spirit and organize them to build new rails to carry our train forward!
Stalin: Round up the peasants, lay down their bodies before the train and we shall ride over them.
Khrushchev: Go out, tear up the tracks from behind the train, set them down in front and we shall continue our journey.
Brezhnev: Pull all the curtains in the carriage, rock back and forth and make clicking noises.
Gorbachev: We have glasnost now. Run outside and shout at the top of your lungs: "There are no rails!"
Yeltsin: Privatise he tracks, the train, and send the passengers back to their original homelands!