Raise Jokes / Recent Jokes

as submitted to www.Dilbert.com
The company stock suddenly is worth something, then trading is halted before you can cash in.
Your management has just emphatically denied that any merger is currently being contemplated.
Your paycheck comes with the competitor's logo.
The guy you used to yell at during trade shows is introduced as your new boss.
The address on your new business cards does not correspond to the location of the office you go to every day.
I work for the government, so merging with a competitor would probably mean storm troopers marching through the streets.
The customer service folks are told to stop telling customers that company X will cheat them on service contracts. Now they're our service.
The owner's daughter sends you an invitation to her wedding with the competitor's son.
The product which your salespeople described not a long time ago as being a dangerous health hazard is now one of the leading products in your sales more...

Top economist Valentine’s Day cards 4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding drop off in consumer enthusiasm. 3. Let’s raise housing starts together. 2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market. 1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

How do you raise a baby elephant? With a fork lift truck!

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.
He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
i do physical labour
i work at great depths
i am always using my head first
i do not get rdo's, weekends off or public holidays.
i work in a damp environment
i don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
i work in a dark work place that has poor ventilation
i work in high temperatures
my work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request.
you do not work 8 hrs
you fall a sleep on the job after brief work periods
you do not always follow the orders of the management team
you do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
you take a lot of non rostered breaks
you leave the work place messy at the end of your shift
you do not like working double shifts
and if more...

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I more...

Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them

Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U. S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4. 4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4, 800 students in the more...