Raise Jokes / Recent Jokes

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.

5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.

8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don`t.

9. more...

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe
in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever
talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise
their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever
made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off
glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one more...

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands." Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands." That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands." That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands." That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come more...

A first grade teacher in the conservative Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush.
Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.
The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too."
"Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, more...

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that
she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president
has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,
too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises
their hands except one little girl.
"Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your
hand?"
"Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary.
"Well, what are you then?" asks the teacher.
"I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.
The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a
Democrat?" she asks.
"Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too."
"Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you
to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What
if your momma was more...

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always more...