Raise Jokes / Recent Jokes
Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the more...
From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes. Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs. Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any more...
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?" About 80 students raise their hands. "That`s a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you`ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That`s really good," continues the professor, "I`m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That`s a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?" One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I`ve more...
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - more...
Top economist Valentine's Day cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing more...
Top economist Valentine's Day cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.