Raise Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.Then she asks "Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh...it was great! Never had any like it before!!" and she asked "Really? So the ghost was good??" and the old man said "GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!"

1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.
5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.
8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don`t.
9. Republicans study the financial pages of the more...

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept more...

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there."Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department.""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath."You're not there, sir," he reported."Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32. 2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98. 6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.

Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6, 216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. X 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1, 200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately more...

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand. Then she asks "Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand. So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh... it was great!! Never had any like it before!!" and she asked "Really?? So the ghost was good??" and the old man said "GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!"