Raise Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ma and Pa were sitting in their rocking chairs, listening to Reverend Jeb on the radio. The Reverend said, "Place your left hand on the part of your body you wish to be healed, raise your right hand and say, 'I believe! I believe!' and you shall be healed."
Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired old heart and lungs, raised her right hand and shouted, "I believe! I believe!"
Pa looked over at her like she had lost her mind, but Ma began breathing nice and easy, her old wheeze was gone, the color had returned to her cheeks and she started rocking twice as fast as before.
Shrugging his shoulders, Pa quickly put his left hand down the front of his pants and as he began to raise his right hand, Ma looked over at him and said, "Pa, the Reverend said 'Heal', not raise the dead!"

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a
seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How
many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands."Well that's a good start. Out of
those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever
seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm
really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghost?"
15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone
here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask
you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture, no one has more...

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with' A' then' B' and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Chew gum; if the sermon more...

To raise awareness for breast cancer, Major League Baseball used pink bats on Mother's Day. To raise for awareness for steroids, they used tiny, shriveled balls.

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.
Republicans employ exterminators.
Democrats step on the bugs.
Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.
Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.
Neither are Republicans.
Republicans tend to more...

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

has to work hard;
has to work at great depths;
has to work upside down;
has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
has to work in a high humidity environment;
has to work at high temperatures;
does not get weekends and holidays off;
does not get time off after extra hours of work;
has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.


Request denied for the following reasons:

does not work 8 hours in a row;
does not answer immediately to all requests;
does not have a degree;
after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
shows no fidelity to the workplace;
retires too early;
does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.Republicans wear theirs.Republicans employ exterminators.Democrats step on the bugs.Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.Neither are Republicans.Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why more...