Raise Jokes / Recent Jokes

A COMMONLY seen warning sign on public transport buses reads:
Look under your seat, there could be a bomb. Raise alarm. Earn reward.
A chartered bus meant for college-going girls had the warning altered:
Look under your seat; it may be a boy. Don't raise alarm; take him home as a reward.

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start! Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good! I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response! Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic! But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raised his hand.

The professor is astonished! He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says: "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has more...

Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
Heckle the professor.
Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.
Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.
If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.
Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.
Bring a typewriter. Use it to take more...

Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
Heckle the professor.
Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have
to tape the lecture for a friend.
Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his
chalk to take notes.
Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific
proof.
If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls
on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different
person each time.
Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with
your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that
the doll will be taking notes for you.
Bring a more...

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..
"Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.After five or six children, this started to get expensive.The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said.."Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"

To: All Employees
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor more...