Rapidly Jokes

The Washington Post asked readers for alternate meanings for various words. Readers had these suggestions:

Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma (n.) a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent

Flabbergasted (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.) an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard (n.) a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude more...

A man walked up to a hooker and asked if she could show him how to have sex, she asked how much will you pay me, and he said, "
all i have is a $
1.80"
. "
Alright then,"
she said, placing 10cents on his right shoulder, telling him to drop and lift the shoulder rapidly, he did, she then placed 20cents on his left shoulder and told him to drop and lift it rapidly but going up when the right shoulders going down, and vice versa. He did She then placed 50cents in his ass cheeks, she then asked the man to bob his bum back and forth, after doing the shoulder movements, he did. She then placed $1 on his dick and asked him to do the bum bobbing again, so he did. Then she said now put them all together and practice for 10 minutes, in this order, right shoulder left shoulder bum and dick, R/shoulder 10cents, L/shoulder 20cents, bum bobbing 50cents and the dick a dollar, while saying, 10cents 20cents 50cents a dollar!, 10cents 20cents 50cents a dollar! more...

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element: MAN Symbol: XY Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to! @#$&*! Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct more...

Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing.
She said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me."
Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I'm a hooker."
Jack said, "Oh sweetheart that's nothing - don't worry about that for a minute! It's easily corrected by holding the golf club like this..."

In case you missed it. Here is the Washington Post' s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


The winners are:




1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: more...