Ready Jokes / Recent Jokes

Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.

Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.

Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.

Receiver is off the hook.

Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.

Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.

Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.

Reset line is glitching.

Result of a first cousin marriage.

Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.

Room for rent, unfurnished.

RS232C brain with a DIN connector.

Running at 300 baud.

Running on a 286.

Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep more...

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am aesthetically challenged [that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet said, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tensed more...

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p. a. system -
"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
"Will the IDIOT on the p. a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!

REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICAL

    I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.   The person whoanswered said, "Bob is on vacation.   Would you like to hold?"
    I worked with an individual who plugged theirpower strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why theircomputer would not turn on.
"Do you know anythingabout this fax-machine?"
"A little.   What'swrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient calledback to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.   I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it byaccident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
    I recently saw a distraught young lady weepingbeside her car.   "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have more...

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Hughie?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
"You'll have to do better than that. Hughie," said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . "
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . "
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . "
The blonde shouts, more...